Monday, June 22, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

…or Mr. Fix-It.

As summertime heat rolls in, I can honestly say that I got 99 Problems, But A Bytch Ain’t One!

So I decided to start getting the backyard together and put up a gazebo.

It had mad parts, lol

But before I started putting anything together I needed to clean my deck, then weatherproof the deck with Thompson’s Water Seal.

Now that deck is ready time for the fun stuff

Here’s a close up of the corner:

And then the finished product:

Now I’m looking for a table, benches  and carpet to complete the interior design.
I’ll post pics when that part is completed.

Posted in Projects | 3 Comments »

Monday, May 18, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Once again…an Earthquake has hit my area.

No Dumb Ass…. This ain’t Def Comedy Jam…I mean a real Mutha Fu#kin’ Earthquake!!!

A Quake Hit the Dallas area at 11:20am Saturday Morning.
Here’s a picture of what my house now looks like

Nah just kidding, everything is cool, it was a 3.3 Magnitude.
I don’t even flinch unless is a 4.2
Now if its a 5.1… I Shyt my pants

On a 6.0… My pants are already Shat in once it passes 5.1 so by the time it hits 6.0 I’m takin a Shyt in the nearest person to me pants.

On a 7.0… I’m just in the middle of the street Shyt’in.. no clothes on at all. Just Shyt’in like a poodle that ate bad kibble.

8.0 and above…I’m tryna give the nearest chick to me the business one last time before I go outta here. And yes…I have a crazy load of Shyt all over my ass while I’m getting at the chick. No time to wipe, I’m about that nut at that point, I got 5 minutes to live…to hell with cleanliness. 

If you would like to donate to the BigDaddy Earthquake relief fund please send checks to my P.O. Box.
There are hundreds of strippers across the DFW area that are struggling due to this quake (and the fact that Craigslist no longer has Erotic services).
When the quake happened a few of them fell off of their poles, or lost their rhythm while giving guys lap dances. So please help me, help them!

By the way the earthquake may have scared off my Chicken Shyt Somali Pirates that I hired to guard my house…so I had to re-hire the squirrels. Don’t you stop by the crib unannounced, that’ll be your Ass…hear me! He’s got a Medal of Honor from the Army!

Posted in OMG, AtHome, Random | No Comments »

Tuesday, March 24, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

I woke up this morning at 5am and decided to start up with my usual (no not porn, it was breakfast and tea) .

So after that I busted out the laundry and threw the dishes in the dishwasher.
Then I cleaned up the kitchen, floors and throw the trash out.
After that I looked out the front window, there was no question that the front lawn was outta control.

So what does that mean…

I cranked up the mower, and got to work.
Even though I need to get busy with landscaping
(planting some flower beds and getting the lawn back to plush green status)
after 30 min the front lawn front looked halfway decent again;
at least the truck was looking all shiny lol.

After that comes feeding the fish in the pond (greedy ass Koi fish).
They act like they’ve never eaten before each time I feel them.

Then I had the joy of cleaning the two pool filters.
I saved the job of actually cleaning the pool and testing the water for another day.

To have more fun I sprayed the front & back area with insecticide and weed killer where needed.
Saturday morning was sooooooo fun.

To finish off Sat night right, I went to the club to sip on some Ciroc.

Posted in Fun, AtHome | No Comments »

Monday, March 23, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Aight I had to take a week off to get my mind back in the zone.
But ya boy is b-b-b-back!

Just as a reminder Amira has been doing her NY tour for the past week as she’s been on spring break and will be back in the TeX tomorrow.

Sure was nice not having to yell at anyone for the past week.
I’m sure that it will all come to an end about 15 minutes after she walks through the door.

Nah nothing really about Bill Cosby but I did see that the porn industry was interested in making a film based off of the show.
Imagine that the XXX version of the Cosby Show, lol.
Here’s a pic of the cast

I don’t know about you but if I was the fake Bill wearing an old played out Coogi Sweater I’d try to smack that ass of the fake Mrs Cosby too because by the way he looks I bet you this cross eyed fool hasn’t been able to get some action in years.

But seriously porn industry come on! I could care less that you want to make a Cosby Show Porno, Hell the idea isn’t even original (I think Lisa Bonet came up with the idea first).

My beef is that you could have found much hotter black folks that I’d actually may want to see naked, I don’t want to see any of these folks buck ass naked having sex. I’d probably hurl due to their lack of sexiness. Stevie Wonder probably wouldn’t even listen to the movie, because he could listen to this and tell the folks in it are U-G-L-Y. Geez I wouldn’t hit that Mrs. Cosby woman with a baseball bat even if that bat had a condom on it.

New  Purchases:

Although I have two laser printers already, the need for color kept coming up.
So this pretty mutha (shut your mouth) was picked up:

Inket printer, Scanner, Fax, Copier
Hot Right! Plus it has the built in Card Slots (arrow #1)
And built in wireless! I can print from anywhere in the house. (arrow #2)

And now I get an UNlimited amount of pure water delivered.
Gotta have that clean pure drinking water so I got the unlimited deal.
Some folks use it in the office, I got it at the Palace.
If I didn’t have the hot water module with the child safety tab; I just wouldn’t be pimpin’
I plan on having Xzibit come by and pimp it out with TVs and spinning rimms.

Posted in tech, OMG, Fun, Projects, AtHome | No Comments »

Friday, March 13, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Mo’ Berry

Mo’ Berry

Mo’ Berry

Yup another Blackberry

New Black Berry Storm:

How many BlackBerry devices does Mike actually have?

Yeah 5 now…
(how did my Jesus piece get in the photo?)

Posted in tech, Fun | 2 Comments »

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

This is how I do it up in the 214 (that means Dallas).
I went down to see the suck ass Mav’s play at the American Airlines Arena

Suck ass, old ass Jason Kidd.
Dumb ass dude beating on his wife
(you don’t beat up on a hot chick like that)

Half Time Show… America’s Got Talent Finalists

Flipping a chick in the air, it was a good performance
(Is it just the guy in me that thinks the two dudes just like looking up her skirt?)

Now the best part of the game..

Cheerleaders!
(Thank the Lord for making little tight ass shorts)

Then came the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen!

A giant chili came out of nowhere and crushed 200 people to death.

After seeing the huge Chili crushing folks I had the strangest
urge to go to Chili’s for some food and a few drinks.

After grubbing at Chili’s it was time to hit up a balcony suite at the
W Hotel overlooking the AA Arena.

I took these photos from the hotel:

Luxury Condo’s

Sweet View from the Suite: (AA arena )

After that it was time to hit the penthouse floor to
party at Ghostbar the rest of the evening.

Damn being me is hard work…but somebody has to do it.

Mike’s Quote:

I have the hunger of a Lion, I’m that Champion
Don’t mistake it for arrogance…
I’m tryna’ take this to the top; like my name is Rocky
I’m focused, I go hard
I’m livin’ to the fullest, then I go even harder…
This is my swagger!

Till next post, later.

Posted in Fun, Random | 3 Comments »

Thursday, February 12, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Ok besides the fact that its like
70 degrees at night here there was a tornado.

Yup I’m getting used to the weather out here because the hair on the back of my neck
didn’t stand up during this one. I was more concerned about if the shingles on my roof
were ok. Not for safety but because my lazy ass would need to go to Home Depot and
buy a ladder.

Let me take you through what happened
(luckily my pond didn’t overflow from the rain and
my Koi fish are doing just fine, lol)

Here Fox is on 4 and I had this annoying ass guy screaming on tv
pointing to my house and telling me it was gonna blow away

When storms hit everything stops here even the
cops pull into the nearest place for shelter
(3 patrol cars sitting in a gas station)

If that wasn’t dramatic enough this chick tell us she’s fearing for her
life because this thing could whip off and turn into a missile
and kill everyone in the area…LOL

Then the station they tried to kill  me by dazzling me with lots of
colors and arrows about everything.

With a storm this big you think it would be on all stations….NOPE
just a banner here (someone always gotta be cryin on that show)

And here just some Angelina Jolie wannabe
with 14 kids and no job, psycho
she looks so damn demented…right!! (with her Collagen filled lips)
She needs to go to 125th street and get her hair done!

Hair Parted: I haven’t seen a split that big since Moses parted
the Red Sea in the 10 commandments
(or as I like to call them the just 2 more and I’ve broken them all rules)

Ya’ll know damn well I don’t even watch this channel:

Because I only watch my Jesus in High Definition!

Posted in OMG, AtHome | 2 Comments »

Sunday, February 8, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

I just realized that I forgot to post about it.
The state fair takes place every fall and isn’t the most exciting
event in the world but its fun enough.

Welcome to the Fair:

I get a lot of complaints that I don’t post enough pics
of Mike Lowrey so here’s one.
(ladies you can right click on the pic to save it,
then set it as your desktop background image)

In the car show pavillion here’s the engine of a ford F250 truck.

I’m giving Ford a break by not suing them,
’cause I copyrighted the term “Power Stroke” years ago
when I created one of my signature baby makin’ moves.

I also met Thickcrust’s Twin Brother there

There’s a ton of pics for me to look through and I’ll post a part2
with more photos.

Posted in Fun | No Comments »

Monday, January 19, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Posted in Fun | No Comments »

Thursday, January 15, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

I was cruising my neighborhood and saw these animals
just enjoying themselves.

Although my fist impulse was to hop out of the car, saddle
them up and head down to Jake’s Saloon for some Sarsaparillas!
I just decided to just snap the pic instead.

There’s even a few houses nearby with roosters!
It’s such a problem that some towns are forcing folks to get rid
of the roosters since some people sleep during the day.
NO Texas isn’t full of farms, people get tax breaks for having livestock
so some will have horses or other animals to get the tax credit.

Don’t get it twisted its not all rural.
We can do urban.

Dallas Cowboys Arlington Stadium (under construction) opens 8/2009:

i

True story right after taking these pics I got pulled over by
Arlington P.D. Unlike in NY I didn’t get shot at 50 times

& unlike in LA I didn’t
get dragged out of the car & beat.
(Rodney King footage was too grainy low tech video back then
but here’s some Philly officers whooping some black dude’s ass)

I was let go with a warning about
coming to a full stop when turning on red lights.

Ladies have been asking when the hell am I going to get my
sexy ass back to NY to party?
The answer is as soon as your pilots learn the difference
between a runway & a riverbank

Posted in AtHome | 3 Comments »

Monday, January 12, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Posted in Fun | 2 Comments »

Monday, January 5, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Posted in Fun | No Comments »

Monday, December 29, 2008 by Mike Lowrey.

Posted in Fun | No Comments »

Thursday, December 25, 2008 by Mike Lowrey.

when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

(I tried to get a picture of Amira sleeping in bed but at 4am she
was pretending to sleep and I was too tired from wrapping gift to
stay up any longer)

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

Ok, that’s enough  of the poem.

This post was written at 4am but it’s on a delay so by the time you
read this, “Merry Christmas” would be in order.

With a few of Santa’s cookies eaten
(Amira’s note to Santa is sooooo cute
It almost makes me forget the other 364 days of her not listening)

And the gifts for Amira all wrapped
(I’m sure thereonly like 6 gifts under the tree that isn’t for her)

Here at 4am (before I head to bed)
Mike Lowrey raises his glass of Courvoisier to…

Wish you and your family the very best this Christmas.

(Damn I’m really tired…but i still look good..Damn I’m good)

Merry Christmas everyone…stay safe & happy this Holiday Season.

Damn that Courvoisier hit the spot…I’m ready for bed now.

Posted in Fun, AtHome | 1 Comment »

Monday, December 22, 2008 by Mike Lowrey.

The ghost popped in to scare his girlfriend and his friend, but things went wrong, lol

Posted in Fun | No Comments »

Thursday, December 18, 2008 by Mike Lowrey.

This was a bit funny so I had to put it on the blog.
(A ghost is trying to scare a woman)

I’ll post a new episode of this on Monday’s Blog so check back for it…
(A new episode will be published every Monday for
the next 8 weeks after that so keep hitting my blog for more)

Poster of the day…(McCain 08′)

Dead Texas Dude of the day…
(He might be alive but I wasn’t really that curious)

Smurf of the Day…

Best non X rated Pictures I’ve taken with my camera…

One more Comix:

Posted in Fun | 2 Comments »

Monday, December 8, 2008 by Mike Lowrey.

As I was cleaning my pool this Sunday afternoon I saw a spider
floating in the pool. Actually it was trying to crawl over
to the side of the pool onto dry land.

So…in this season of well wishes & holiday cheer
I decided the most meaningful thing I could
do is to help the little fella to a horrid watery grave.

So I trapped it in my cleaning net and laid the net at
the bottom of the pool. And as thoughts of tiny spider
screams and gurgles danced in my head I started to grin.

Feeling great I danced off to make a martini and a sandwich and
to watch the football game. And in doing so I forgot all about the
little critter. After an hour I remembered and came back to the pool

So as I belted out a thunderous Dr. Evil Genius laugh..

…expecting to see a former spider in the net.
As I looked at the dead spider balled up in the net I said to myself
“This is what Xmas is all about!”

Imagine the shock when that spider ball jumped up
and started to crawl off of the net.
I had this expression on my face:

I quickly captured what I affectionately now call SpiderMan in
the net and submerged it back in the water. I ran upstairs to
research this bullshit.

It seems that spiders don’t breathe the same way we do
and require much less oxygen. Also tiny air bubbles get
trapped in their hairy legs as they get submerged and
they can survive off of them for many hours. Wow who knew!

So will check on the critter tomorrow night to see if there
will be any more Spidey sequels.

Posted in AtHome | 2 Comments »

Sunday, December 7, 2008 by Mike Lowrey.

…for buying dumb ass gifts that stores can’t sell all year long….Isn’t it?

Why is it that I came across a cool gift idea website I became extremely disgusted?
(P.S. seriously I wasn’t shopping for any of you ‘cuz you are all getting spam)

Maybe it was the gifts that it suggested that caused my violent convulsions?

Wouldn’t your body react the same way if a website suggested these items:

But it did suggest one cool ass idea:

Posted in AtHome | 3 Comments »

Friday, December 5, 2008 by Mike Lowrey.

….for you to do more xmas shopping that you can’t possibly afford
and will be sent hurdling towards bad credit & bankruptcy.
(you already have bad credit so why fight it?)

The Xmas tree went up 2 days ago marking the official kickoff of the holiday season.

So if you have that money get to workin’!!!

Everyone don’t get your hopes up about getting an expensive
gift from me…..all I have for y’all is this:

Enjoy!

Posted in AtHome | 2 Comments »

Thursday, November 27, 2008 by Mike Lowrey.

Here’s a short poem for you:

As we look at Halloween in the rear;
We know that today Thanksgiving is finally here.
And when mighty meals are prepared for us to all feast;
With Yams, turkey, ham, greens, and rolls made from yeast,
We surround ourselves with everyone we hold  so dear.

We have friends and family we love;
We have guidance from heaven above.
We have so much more
Than they sell in a store,
We’re wealthy, when push comes to shove.

So add up your blessings, I say;
Make Thanksgiving last more than a day.
Enjoy what you’ve got;
Realize that it’s a lot,
And you’ll make all your cares go away.

So today I pull a chilled bottle out from my private stock…

…and raise my glass to a toast, “that you & your families have a safe & Happy Thanksgiving.”

Posted in AtHome | 1 Comment »