Tomur Dances is Ass Off…

Thursday, July 16, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

So you think you can dance?

After watching this…The answer will be NO, you can’t dance.
Because this Mu Fugger gots S-O-U-L….

Now  Dance I say…Dance!

..

The crazy part is that Tomur’s moms is just chillin…
knitting Thickcrust a super special “I love you” sweater while her son is BA-RAKE-ING!

Dude is going off with the hammerdance and she’s soooo used to
her son and Thickcrust dancing their narrow asses all over the house she ignores the Foolery going on all around her.

Posted in PeopleHumor, Music | No Comments »

Do you need some Kush in your life? I can help wit that!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

I never knew this but I’ve been helping women sleep better  for years.
I was years ahead of the medical community on this one.

Hell….I’ve been Kush’in women since I was a teenager!!!!
I know plenty of women who have a lace sack near their nightstand, but a Kush damn sure ain’t in it.

Posted in PeopleHumor, OMG | 1 Comment »

Club Photos….

Friday, July 10, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

We’ve discussed this Shyt before but ya’ll just don’t Fuggin give a damn do you?

Let’s just get into this…no intro needed.

And………………………………………………..Go

I guess ugly as hell is the theme for this party.

I’m not even gonna act brand new.
And fellas don’t front; you would all do the same thing I’m about to say!

If I was in a club with my peeps (and you know how I be…all tipsy as hell and shyt) and this chick passed by.
I would kick it to her..You know I would have to walk up to her all GC and sauve and the first thing out of my mouth to her would be “Damn look at them Tiddys!!! I’d be rockin them thangs like crazy.
I’m talkin bout suckin on those twinz like some neckbones that was sitting in Collard Greens.

On the real…. You know it would probably take me about 15 minutes of kicking it to her before I even looked up at her face.
But when I did I’d probably bust out my Rambo knife and try to defend myself  again this Fuggin Sasquatch.

Fellas don’t act like I’m the only one who Fugged a chick cuz she had crazy T&A and a busted face.
And Ladies don’t act like you ain’t neva Fugged an ugly grizzly ass dude because you heard or though he was packin a crazy ass Willy Wonka.

My condolences for those women who stayed with and are still with that grizzly ass ugly dude [with all your girlfriends be making fun of you] just for some good Willy Wonka.

I know Kokonut is gonna be all over me for this but you do realize that this is a West Indian Club right? (I’m not saying they are Jamaican. I’m just saying there are some Jamaican folks up in this Shyt. And you know there’s some Haitians and Trinidadians in the mix).

This party had to be Fuggin Stankin.
I can promise you that this place smelled like Guinness Stout, fried bologna, old mayonnaise, fried cod fish, wet dog, the planet Uranus, someone’s anus and an upper lip after a Dirty Sanchez.

I mean this club probably smelled like a sandwich that you lost 3 months ago and then found it yesterday on the back shelf in the fridge.

I mean this party had to smell like highly enriched weapons grade uranium.
I mean this party had to smell like that guy in the empty subway car.

Lastly…

There sooooo much wrong with this picture my brain is freezing.

OMG…she needed to leave her GUT at the coat check or something.
Did she just have a baby? Not like last year …I mean like 12 minutes before this pic was taken.

WTF is that on her eyes?

She looks just like that muppet

Posted in rant, PeopleHumor | 1 Comment »

Thank White Jesus it’s Friday….Must see videos!!!!

Friday, July 10, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Office Jesus

Hawk Jones - SuperCop

Don’t Jump Into a shallow Pool face first!!

Michael Jackson returns….Thank you White Jesus!!!

OMG!!!! Music beef has started again…Thank you White Jesus, because Rap was getting tired!!!
The Game takes his first official on the record shots at JayZ!!!

At a performance in Madrid the game says, “I feel like….FUGG JayZ….that old Ass Ni99a!!”.
Then he went after Beyonce by saying, “Ain’t no Pu$$y like hers…just ask the Mavericks, Cowboys, Rockets and the Spurs.
Wow.. He literally said Bey been whoring around with every single TX sports star. Then rapped to the DOA beat. Saying wave JayZ old ass goodbye.

Lots of cussin on this so it may not be safe for work if you don’t have headphones.

I really think I’m going to start bleaching my skin like MJ, cuz I’m really through with Ignant Negroes (which seems in abundance more then Fuggin Evah)
I may need to start a new category called Shyt that makes me want to be White.
And this would top the Fuggin list!
Just please sit back and watch this dumb ass make a Coon out of himself.

This vid clip looks like some BET type of cribs Shyt but my boy Daniel Tosh made a response to this that is HILARIOUS!!!
A MUST SEE!
.

Tosh.0	Thurs, 10pm / 9c
Reviewing Tosh’s Assets
www.comedycentral.com

.

Folks are getting all crazy over a pic of Barack in Italy helping a young lady up some stairs.
The pic gives the impression that he was checking this chick out but it’s not true.
He was just helpig her up some steps.

Posted in Ignant Negro Activity, PeopleHumor, Music | 1 Comment »

Where the Fugg is his parachute?

Monday, July 6, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

The is a picture in which I can’t even imagine what the fuck these two are doing but I’ll try my best.

And……………………………………..Go

• His broke ass knew he could never be a member of the Mile High Club so he’s settling for the 10Feet Club
• He’s literally coming off of a Crack “High”
• The chick was tossing his little ass in the air like a pizza and he got stuck to the ceiling
• He’s practicing the way he’s gonna have sex with this hefty ass chick
• He’s the reason why Black folks can’t neva have anything nice
• He’s the reason why Black folks can’t evah get invited to Fancy White people’s parties
• He’s the reason why Black folks need to leave a $150 deposit at all Holiday Inns when checking in
• Someone please don’t tell me that this is how I act when I’m high on that weed!!
• I’m sure she’s thinking to herself ….damn this was a bad choice of dudes to Fugg

Posted in PeopleHumor | No Comments »

Ignant Ass White Behavior

Thursday, July 2, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

I’ve posted many vids about Ignant Black behavior and figured it was time to get at some of my White friends because no culture is beyond, “Ignant” Activity.

If this was a Black person….

• He would have been tased in the beginning, before he even opened his mouth
• There would have been an officer standing on his neck
• This attempted arrest would have lasted 12 seconds not 3 minutes plus
• The ass whoopin after the arrest would lave lasted 3 minutes plus
• He would not have gotten away without a bullet as a momento
• Cops would not have chased him for 12 feet then stopped
  They would have chased him until the world ended

I swear milk came out of my nose when he started yelling “Yahwehhhhh!!”

Posted in PeopleHumor | No Comments »

More Shyt that shouldn’t be on Facebook…

Friday, June 19, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

I could have sworn that I told you Mutha Fuggers about this dumb ass Ignant Ass Negro Behavior with pictures.
Matter of fact I just checked my blog AND I DID TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THIS SHYT!!!

I make you this promise folks if you don’t stop I will continue to put you on BLAST!

I’ve seen plenty of Ignant Ass Shyt in my life but I really think this is the worse…seriously.

And…………………………GO:

1. I thought I pleaded with you big girls to stop that big ass belt under your tits Shyt!
2. This is what I’m talking about ladies…I’m into Love. but at some point DRAW THE FUGGIN LINE! (and that line is prison)
3. Is that a collect call?
4. Isn’t throwing up gang signs what got your dumb ass in jail to begin with?
5. Fellas don’t you rememba when you had to have game or be handsome to get a girl. What happened to those days?
6. Why is this mutha fugga’s nose all pressed against the window hard like he’s window shopping at Bloomingdale’s?
7. Seriously..why did this Chick get all glamorous for this visit? I mean her hair and nails are done (I guess fugged up is a hairstyle these days..probably started by that chick that got Fugged up in the hair salon from my post ealier this week).
8. Is that a new sweater from Lane Bryant?
9. I think she could hide much more than a file in her bra (like an AR-15, grenade launcher or this dude’s 12 kids by 7 different Mommas).
10. Oh My Gawd!!! Bert’s in Jail!!! He finally went to jail for butt raping Ernie all these years.

Next Up…

To My Big Girlz…you know this Bytch went tooo damn far.

And………………………………….GO:

•  WHY LAWD….WHY????
• My Eyes are Fuggin Bleeding!!!
• This chick has more lumps than that hair salon chick did after that fight
• If this chick is a genie then get back in the bottle so I can throw that Mutha Fugga into the sea
• Looks like some unlucky negro pick up a 40 bottle, rubbed it, and out popped this collection of lumps, weave and unfortunate decisions
• What??? No Belt under her Tits?
• Now where did I leave my drink….Ah I got i…It was under one of her rolls.
• Wasn’t she one of the wrestlers from G.L.O.W.?

Next…

And………………………………………GO:

• So…..nobody that you know tried to stop you from going out the house like that huh? Then I guess you need new friends!
• Why is her old ass at an 18 and up club anyway….I see that pink band on your arm.
• Where the Fugg does her hairline begin?
• It could just be me but why does it look like her tits are angry at each other and are having a fight?
• Are her Nipples made of Velcro? Because that’s the reason I can think of that her tits hasn’t popped out yet.
• Is it me or does this chick have the skinniest arms in the world, reminds me of a longer version of the arms from that dinosaur from “Meet the Robinsons”

Next…

And………………………………………..GO:

• Honestly….I’ve got nothing, I’m not even gonna play myself and act brand new.
• I know I should be putting these humongous in the ass chicks on Blast (cuz that’s just what I do) but on the real these chicks wouldn’t find themselves kicked out MY bed, shyt.
• I’m just saying…  they might not get a call back, but they can audition.
• Ahh it feels good to be a man. We are such simple creatures.
• I’ll let you guys tell me whats wrong with these chicks that couldn’t be solved with a paper bag or the lights turned ALL the way off. Including that little one in the fridge.
• I mean they are really far from cute so there won’t be any chilling and egg cooking in the mornin, they would need to leave right after that nut went off.

Vid Time:

To switch it up a bit to get myself out of rant mode I included the best video Shyt you have ever seen!

Posted in Ignant Negro Activity, PeopleHumor, OMG | 2 Comments »

Breaking News..A White Woman Spanks Child..

Friday, June 19, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

UPDATE: JON & Kate announced today that they will separate/divorce.

It has been a long standing joke in the world about how White parents never seem to spank their kids.
So I sought out on a mission to find out under what circumstances will a White woman open up a can of Whoop Ass on her kids like a Black Momma will.

Please remember that a Black Momma will Whoop Ass for just about any damn reason at all… including just looking at her wrong (Thanks Mom).

I looked at extreme cases and I found the breaking point for White Mommas…

8 Damn Kids and A Cheating Ass Husband seems to be that threshold.

I like to call this next photo the outcome of “Kate plus 8 Minus 1 Jon”

I may get this damn mag just to see why the cops were called but I assure you it wasn’t due to that weak Ass Whoopin. I’m thinking it wasn’t the normal police that was called, it was the fashion police (That pink dress and flip flops are hideous).

I remember one time my moms was beating me and I faked having a seizure (which I thought was pretty damn convincing) and that only resulted in her beating me even more while I was flopping around the floor in what could have really been a seizure.

Hey Mom did I ever thank you for making my childhood Hell?
All I can say is …Thank the Lawd that I turned out so normal!!

Speaking of fashion did you hear that:

• Vivica A Fox is coming out with her own clothing line shortly
• H+M has singed a contract with Jimmy Choo to develop a very affordable line of shoes that will be sold in their stores (That’s right Choo’s for $100-$200 bucks).

And since we are on fashion take a look at Bill Cosby who hosted the Playboy Jazz Festival in Hollywood 2 weeks ago
(crocs Bill?? Really?)

And look who else was there performing…Theo

Posted in CelebStuff, PeopleHumor | 2 Comments »

Dumb Shyt people put on facebook…

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

I know that all of you in the age of the Internet are all happy and hype to put photos and Shyt on your facebook page.
But clearly we need to set some guidelines, since you all are having trouble distinguishing what should or shouldn’t be uploaded.

Here’s an example of what shouldn’t be loaded on your page:

Lets run down my list of Shyt that’s wrong in this pic….

1. Poo Poo Head!!! Seriously. Who thinks being called Poo Poo head is cute??
   I mean I had to stop talking to a chick I know because she called herself Chok Pooh. Pooh was too damn close to Poo and she was a really dark chick, like almost purple.
   So I stopped talking to her (stop complaining she did it to herself by wanting me to call her Pooh).
2. Why is there a big ass garbage can and nasty ass buckets all up in your picture.
   I think you ladies live in a dirty ass house if you can’t find a place to
   put that Shyt out of the way so you can take a photo.
3. Chick on the right?? WTF is your shirt trying to say…I need a translator!
   Or at least a lotto form so I can get these numbers in before 7pm in case they hit tonight.
   10-11-40 is that your high school locker combination or the age of your kids?
4. Where Rocks Are Born??? Are you trying to tell us you were born in
   a volcanic eruption or under the Earth’s crust?

Posted in Ignant Negro Activity, PeopleHumor | No Comments »

Blame it On the…..

Friday, May 15, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

[Mike Lowrey grabs the mic..]
Polow…Put a Little T-Pain on my Shyt!

Is Busta Bust in the building? What about Lil’ Wayne?
They not here yet..

Nah I don’t need no T-Pain on mine…I got this:

[Sophie go home to view, this is from U-Tube]

Posted in PeopleHumor | No Comments »

Rihanna spotted in NYC

Wednesday, May 6, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

She was spotted on the upper west side attending a red carpet event at the Met. I wonder is Chris Brown punched her in the shoulder because those pads are ridiculous!!!

(It might have worked without the crazy jacket & driving gloves)

At the Same event Madonna must have gone crazy & thought she was back in her “Like a Virgin” days…

Ain’t no way she can get that back… (no matter how many surgeries she gets to get things tightened up)

Now the new hot couple on the block has definitely got to be these two:

Justin Timberlake (JT) & Not Britney

Scary J. Blige…. I mean Tyra Banks looking like Halloween in a dress.

Kanye West and his girlfriend Amber Rose

Just think…in the movie “I Think I Love My Wife” I called Chris Rock a dumb ass for not giving this chick the business.
Now I can see why he didn’t.

The the O.M.G. moment of the night had to be this chick… (she’s from some show called gossip girls)

You tell me…Is Ciara rockin it or not?

I vote for Not!

Now the most stunning award goes to this woman.
I’ll call her sunshine because if I was married with 4 kids; she’s hot enough to make me call home and say “hey, put your mom on the phone….Hey Sweetie, Yeah..I’m not coming home anymore so have a nice life” (From the movie Harlem Nights)

Blake L.

Posted in PeopleHumor | No Comments »

Southern Shyt and those Jesus folks are at it again…

Wednesday, March 25, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

First off these are the most amazing videos I’ve seen in a while.
For those folks who can’t get youtube at work, take the afternoon off run home and look at these vids. It’s that serious.

Now let’s get to it…

Thickcrust: “You Got Served!” and you should really be ashamed at this one.
This Bear was serving Thickcrust (literally), then Thickcrust realized that he didn’t have a chance in this dance battle with his calcium deficient knees and ran off. Punk.

Watch this bear “Get Low” with it, amazing!

This Bear puts Thickcrust’s non-rhythm having ass to shame and
not to mention…you can’t jump! Woody Harrelson proved that!
Oh yeah and this guy too

Whatever you do Thickcrust please don’t dance. We are really getting tired of seeing you do dumb ass dances like these when we hit the club

Speaking of dancing it’s time to get at some folks.
First up Black folks:

I’ve blogged about this dumb Dirty South Negro BullShyt
before but its still got me mad.
At first glance I thought they were a group of young ladies
putting together a dance team/crew type of thing.

But now I realize that most likely they are just a group of ATL strippers.
(All my ATL peeps stand up, Ya’ll know ATL got the best strippers on the east coast!!)

I mean is this shyt on their resume when they go in for a job interview?
I’m sooo proud that Michelle Obama has never even thought about doing
some shyt like this. Or if she has, she’s never been filmed doing it!
(As a Harvard Graduate we know she’s got a great head on her shoulders which contributed to becoming Mrs. Barack Obama.)

May I present to you, the ladies who will most likely become:

Mrs. Pookie Jenkens
Mrs. Joonbug Smith
Mrs. DaeDae Jackson

They are doing a dance that’s sweeping the south called the Stanky Leg.
Why would I want to dance with a chick with a stank leg?
Anyway, either enjoy a few moments of these ladies doing the stanky leg,
Or.. don’t and be happy that you might have used
those 2 minutes for something to better mankid.
Because after watching this you may want those two minutes of your life back!

Now that chick in the white was truly nice with her ASSets.
Damn you strippers across the world making dudes
fall in love; its all that booty poppin’ action.

I mean if I find a woman with a degree, nice corporate job
and could twerk that booty like that….
A Brother would be at home 9 days a week, married with 12 kids!
Me in a Club? Nah I’d be going home with a bottle Cognac.
(Although after 12 kids I’m not sure she’d still want to be on a twerk team, lol)

Don’t think I forgot about Thickcrust and the non-dancing folks.
If you’re White and can dance (yes, there are quite a few out there)
then this isn’t meant towards you.

To the others who can’t; then ya’ll need to stop this bullshyt right here:

If we come together as one I think we can help my White folks overcome this issue, and get some rhythm into them. Yes we can!

Hmmmm.
Who else can I get at?
Oh yeah..those Jesus folks!

A cross that has a secret stone that if you hold to the light says the Lord’s Prayer!!
Come the fugg on folks!

What the hell is this…Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?

I wish I had a dollar for every time that Tomur, Thickcrust & I have been chillin
in Brooklyn sipping on some Cognac, and smoking that ‘green‘ when we all looked
at each other and wished we had a cross that we could shine a light through so
we could see the Lord’s Prayer shining up on the wall.

Damn it’s 10am… Time for me to go to work. Later.

Please remember ladies in my fan club…don’t come to the Palace unannounced because my Guard Squirrels DO NOT like Surprises!! This is just a warning.

Unless you can twerk that booty like the woman in the white,
then I’ll give you a single Season V.I.P. pass to visit BigDaddyLand.

Posted in PeopleHumor, Southern, Random | 2 Comments »

4 My Peeps… ending in a Hot Ghetto Mess Rant!!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Once again here we are to break things down, I hope you enjoy.
Don’t forget to leave comments!

Things White People Like

Political Causes:

Political prisoners make excellent choices whenever a white person
asks you to name a personal hero.  If they drop an answer like
“Kurt Cobain” or “Toni Morrison” you can easily trump them by
offering up a name like Mumia Abu Jamal or Nelson Mandela which
will show white people that you are smart, well informed, and political.
Or that you own at least one Rage Against the Machine CD.

If you want to befriend a large number of white people at the same
time, the easiest way to do it is to go to jail for political reasons.

White people love political prisoners because they are individuals
who have been locked up because their beliefs or their presence stands
in defiance of an unjust system. In fact, most white people would love
to be locked up for their beliefs provided that they could go to a
jail with private toilets, plenty of books and no rape.

Things Black People and Southern White People Like

The “N” Word:

Being that Martin had to march & Malcolm resisted by any means necessary
I would think Black folks might be a little more sensitive to this word.

But since none of us has actually had to run for freedom from a White
slave owner and have ever been whipped by one I guess we’re much
more willing to accept the word in everyday use by other Black folks.

Don’t get confused, we’ve never been “Whipped”, what our parents,
family members and sometimes neighbors did to us growing up is
called an “Ass Whoopin”. In the world today the N word is used
frequently by urban folks as a term on endearment to another man.
The N word is being used today because:

• Brotha was overused in the 60’s
• Jive Turkey was overused by Superfly and the Mack in the 70’s
• Homey was overused in the 80’s
• Dude was overused by Pauly Shore in the 90’s
• Biyatch has been overused in the 2000’s

A non-black friend of mine once made the remark, “But it’s not fair, why
do you get to say it and we can’t? It’s just a word like stupid or dummy.”
Because I considered this person a dear friend, I explained the sordid history
of the word and its origins during the times of slavery when it was used to
belittle us as human beings, creating a history of low self-esteem and a
self-fulfilling prophecy of substandard achievement from generation to generation.

I saw that my words weren’t making any sense to him so I ended by
saying, “Because you’ll get your Ass Kicked That’s Why!”

So my best advice is that if you have to ask your black friend if it’s cool
to use the N word around him….it’s probably not.
For safety purposes please use one of the overused terms I listed above.

Things White People Like

St. Patricks Day:

Normally if someone were to wake up at 7:00 in the morning,
take the day off work, and get drunk at a bar before 10:00 a.m.,
they would be called an alcoholic…but not White people on
St. Patties Day. March 17th is just another day for Black people
but White people know its true value.
For my Black Peeps here’s 3 things that will get you through
any St. patties Day celebration with your White friends:

1. Memorize the lyrics to Jump Around by House of Pain
2. Most likely your white friends ancestors were oppressed by both
   the English and the Americans, it is strongly recommended that you
   lend a sympathetic ear and shake your head in disbelief. It is never
   considered acceptable to say: “but you’re white now, so what’s the problem?”
3. Find out who in the Hell are the Dropkick Murphys

To gain the ultimate respect on this day you must play your ace card.
As someone orders a round of Guinness, you must take a single sip
and while the other white people are savoring their drink, you
say: “mmmm, I know it sounds cliche, but it really is true.
Guinness just tastes better in Ireland.”
You will be a huge hit with your white friends.

Be warned that White folks will drink until they pass out on this day.
Resist the urge to keep up with them round for round or end up like these guys.
For example the guy below was at the LIRR Penn Station, I’m sure
by the time he woke up his wallet was on its way to a new home.
His wife must be soooo proud. He must live on the west side of
Long Island since he’s not wearing a Movado watch.

Things Black People and Southern White People Like

Being a Hot Ghetto Mess:

This one is a bit longer because there’s just too many examples I can’t pass up.

I luvs me some T&A like every other Brotha’ out there.
(except those D.L., in tha closet brothers that are faking it)
Maybe love isn’t a strong enough word for what I feel about T&A.
(it’s my everything my reason for living)
There ain’t a damn thing wrong with a woman with an ass
that I can sit my orange or grape drink on.
For my White Peeps this is what grape drink is about:

But this Shiznit here is taking it too far.
I WOULD NOT BEEN SEEN with this chick in the following places:

• up in a dance club
• at a grocery store
• at a restaurant
• at my family reunion BBQ
• even at a strip club
• anywhere outside where I could be spotted with her

I’mma be real… But say if I came over her crib say about 3am and she was
dressed like that for a personal show with my camera a Brotha would
be a little more lenient about criticizing that outfit.
(And as long as she promised her red hair or whatever that is on
her head wouldn’t jump up and try to bite me and if I was
never ever seen with her in public and she promised to never call me)

Now initially I though this was a pic of a brave dude tackling an escaped
grizzly bear, but after looking at it again I realized in horror that he
was hugging the grizzly…. apparently he’s into beastiality.
(do not google beastiality without safesearch on, matter of fact just don’t google the word at all)

Please notice that the grizzly has it’s leg wrapped around the chair for fear
that the dude may drop it due to the fact he’s not the Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno

Is there some predator guy running around sneaking photos of pregnant women
for his sick twisted collection…nope its just a bunch of hot ghetto mess chicks
posing for another picture that should never have been taken.
Sadly enough they are all pregnant by the same guy…Pookie Jenkins

Aight….lets talk about fashion & weaves/hair!
It should be two separate discussions, but no..not this chick!
She combines the two with no elegance.
I wonder what kind of shampoo she uses to
get that tit smell out of her hair?

I can say for certain that this child is not our future.
But we will need to pay for his incarceration with our tax dollars.
He can’t read yet but knows all the lyrics to Nas’ first 5 albums.
Folks taking pics of your kids like this is NOT CUTE!!

Sorry to go on about this… but I’m on my 3rd martini and
this Hood BullShit makes me mad!

WHAT THE FU#k DUDE???

Apparently this Mutha Fu#ker doesn’t know that Slavery ended 143 years ago.
This Dumb ass has been in this backyard living off of leaves & berries trying to find
the underground railroad for the past 30 years.

Do you Smell That?
Nah..but you will after this pic!
May I present The Ghetto Power Puff Girlz

I can’t even comment on this.
(please folks…a mind is a terrible thing to waste…donate to the UNCF)
(Can someone tell me why the chick on the far right has her legs wide open?)

Lastly,
If Moet, Ciroc, Louis V or Gucci are not paying you, please stop advertising for them.
Now of course this is the ghetto mess section so in this case were not talking about
high end brands….we’re talking about “Skittles”.

I’m not trying to see what’s at the end of this rainbow at all…

Seriously there’s no reason for this unless Skittles has cut you a damn check!

Then End… it’s 2am and I’m going to bed!
(this post is on a delay so you’ll get it around 9am)

Posted in rant, PeopleHumor, OMG | 5 Comments »

4 My Peeps

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Once again here we are to break things down, I hope you enjoy:
(I  think I need an intro image for this series)

Things Black People and Southern White People Like

The Hook-up

(damn this dude is dark..dark, like…Nikia dark,
I mean this guy is literally purple!)

Folks can’t live without their hook-up! “The Hook-up” not to get
confused with hooking-up (means something different) mean to
get a deal on something, not paying full price. Now some of you
may say, “Isn’t that what White people would just call a sale?”
The answer is no, a sale is usually a certain percent off of the
retail cost of the item & can be returned to the store for exchange.
The hook-up will usually be done with cash only with a complete
stranger and you may never see that person again except possibly
on an episode of cops or in a police line-up. The hook-up is mostly
for those who were at the right place at the right time or knew
the right people.
Things White People Like

Microbreweries

White people don’t like stuff that’s easy to acquire.
Beer is no exception. They generally try to avoid beers
like Budweiser, Labatt’s, Molson, Coors, and Heineken
because if it’s mass produced it is bad.  No exceptions.

So when they need a beer, they turn to microbrews who
seem to be located almost exclusively in Brooklyn,
New England, Ontario, Quebec and Colorado.
Being able to walk into a bar and order a beer that no one
has heard of makes white people feel good about
their alcohol drinking palate.

Also of note: most white people want to open a
microbrewery at some point.  One that uses organic hops.

Things Black People and Southern White People Like

Hennessy
a.k.a. Hen-Dog,
a.k.a. Yak,
a.k.a. Henny,
a.k.a. Brown Juice

One of the most popular cognacs. White people will traditionally
drink it slowly sipped from a warmed snifter glass, but Black people
will mix it with anything from coke to apple juice.
This is one of the most widely popular alcoholic
beverages that is at every black party, get together, family reunion or bbq.
While it is a very strong spirit, it is popular with the women just as much.
It isn’t cheap, so in most cases it is a BYOB expression when
showing up at a gathering.

Out of curiosity I looked up the definition in urbandictionary and found this:

[A hard liquor that black people from the ghetto drink
to solve all their problems. Sometimes poured out to
honor another’s death]

Things White People Like

Sweaters/Shorts

The sweater is an essential part of the white person wardrobe.
The most popular example of this is the cardigan sweater,
which is essentially a wool jacket with less buttons.
A young white person will combine it with a t-shirt to create a ‘layered look.’
This is a chance to show people that they own not one but two cool items of clothing.
White people also appreciate the irony of ugly sweaters
that usually feature things like reindeer and snowmen.
Though it seems unlikely, white people have even
been able to turn this into a theme for parties.

Regardless of the type of sweater, it is also good to be
aware of the fact that finding a nice sweater at a thrift shop, goodwill
or a Steve & Barrys is considered a major event in the
life of a white person.  Scoring a garment that makes it into the
regular rotation for under $10 is a story that white people
will tell for up to five years after it happens.

Now for Shorts

I found this on yahoo.answers:

It is a known fact that white people believe that they can
bring spring early by wearing a pair of shorts on any day that is
above seasonal temperatures. This myth runs so deep that they
will often wear shorts the following day when temperatures drop,
at which point they will refuse to recognize that it is cold.

When you encounter a cold white person in shorts it’s best
to say “I can’t wait until it’s warm enough to go windsurfing.”
They will likely give you a high five.

Dude its obviously fall you have on a sweater so we know its cold…
what’s with the damn sandals & shorts???

Since I had a double comment on the last issue I will balance it out
with one more…

Things Black People and Southern White People Like

Sneakers
a.k.a. Kicks,
a.k.a. Sneaks,
a.k.a. Dogs,
a.k.a. Socks,
a.k.a. 1’s

The most popular brands are Jordans, and Air Force Ones.
Being that I can’t ever recall owning a pair of either I’m not sure
what the fascination is with them. But its important enough
for folks to get shot over if you ever step on a Black person’s
fresh new $250 pair of kicks. I can’t believe you don’t have the
new Obama 1’s??? WTF Dude!

In the Black Community millions have been spent on kicks.
It doesn’t stop with Obama, they also have
Louis Vuitton & Gucci 1’s.
There’s even a store in Harlem dedicated to just 1’s starting at $200.

If you want to show your Black friends some much respect then give
props  to his kicks. The following phrase will usually get you in:
“Damn kid you Stuntin’, you must have spent some guap on those kicks”
Please don’t ad lib, just repeat the phrase as is!

Posted in PeopleHumor | 11 Comments »

4 My Peeps..

Thursday, January 22, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Since I got a lot of positive feedback, I’ve decided to keep this weekly series going.

So here we go again:

Things Black People and Southern White People Like

In the summertime you can frequently catch folks outside with
white powder around their necks and you may not know why?

Nope, not just used for babies to prevent diaper rash.
This is something that you can find in the bathroom in a
black household and most likely there might not even
be any children in the home.  Baby power is a ritually
used product, that is placed on the body to absorb
sweat after taking a shower/bath.
The term “so fresh and so clean-clean” is usually
topped off, with Baby Powder being placed on the body,
usually the chest and back area, but in some cases are
placed in underwear as well, for that added freshness.

Things White People Like

It is a fact that white people will never turn down an opportunity
to enlighten other people on the correct way to think.

(Hey Adam I bet you $5 bucks that Grollman’s car looks like this)

While this is very easy to do through email or face to face
conversation, it is exceptionally difficult to do while driving a car.
Fortunately for white people there is a solution that is
both popular and ineffective: bumper stickers.

I came across this car at the parking lot at work

When a white person drives an older car (6+ years old) that has a
resale value under $2000, they will coat the entire backside of the
car in bumper stickers.
But when white people have a nice new car such as a Prius or an Audi
station wagon, the fear of losing resale value prevents them from
applying more than one sticker. Some popular stickers ones include
telling people to Coexist and to stop eating meat.

Things Black People and Southern White People Like

You can not go to black neighborhoods without seeing several
hair salons, barber shops, wig shops, and beauty supplies on
every corner. Hair care is very important and is priority, not an option.

There are even magazines that dedicate themselves
to the need for flawless hair.

Black people take a lot of time and pride into their hair.
It is very crucial that the hair cut is on point, the braids are tight,
and the hair is straightened to perfection.  The barbershop and
beauty salon payments have now become a bill expense
not just an “extra” expense.

The price is never too high because it is realized that you get what
you pay for and damn-it if the end result will not be fly,
it’s not worth getting. And if you’re the stylist and that person’s hair
doesn’t come out fly…. you’re getting a for sure
ass whoopin’ verbally (and possible physically).

There is a certain brush for certain hair styles and those
must be obtained. In order to keep the hair looking fresh
there must be something to wrap the hair up at night
to ensure the “flawlessness” look in the morning.

Things White People Like

The Pea Coat was originally worn by sailors and members
of the European Navy.  If you think about it for a second,
this means that the coat is European, Coastal, and Vintage.
Three of white people’s favorite things.

Like with sweaters, the process of acquiring a Pea Coat
is almost as important as the coat itself.  Fashionable
white people can purchase designer pea coats for well
over $1000, but the top ranked white people
purchase their at Army Surplus stores.

Another common characteristic of the coat is that
white people will write their names on the label inside
the coat.  This is not done for fear of theft, but rather
as a necessary precaution against party mixups.
You see, when a white person attends a party in the winter
time they will often be required to put their jacket in a room
with literally dozens of other pea coats!  Since these coats often
contain ticket stubs to the same concerts and identical
Trader Joe’s receipts, it can be impossible to find the
original owner without a name written inside.

Posted in PeopleHumor | 4 Comments »

The Best Website Evah…!!!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

I came across this website, check it out.

This is the funniest website on the planet.
I love this website I can’t get enough of it.

Here’s a peek:

Posted in PeopleHumor | No Comments »

4 My Peeps…

Sunday, January 11, 2009 by Mike Lowrey.

Since I’ve become an adult
(with only the occasional immature relapse, usually around
the time when I’m out and Patron shots come into play)
I’ve tried to understand human behavior and how
different races act different ways.

So today I’ve decided to start blogging about my findings in
a new series of posts called: 4 My Peeps

What is it about?

Things White People Like/Do

Things Black People Like/Do which will usually
also be the same Things Southern White People Like/Do

 

Now Black Folks don’t go & get all sensitive and call Al Sharpton or complain
about me on Barack’s BlackPlanet (I love the way it plays The Jackson 5’s Frosty)
or his MySpace pages and White Folks don’t
even think about calling or writing a letter to Ted Kennedy, Mitch McConnell
or any other U.S. Senator because its done with love & of course humor in mind.

I’ll be bringing quotes from other websites & my own original ideas directly to you
and I need your feedback with some comments.

This is to help my Black peeps understand how to interact with
White people and to help my White peeps understand
how to interact with my Black peeps.

Here We Go:

 

Things Black People and Southern White People Like

Come on…I’ve been Black for a while, since around birth and I have
only tried this dish once and couldn’t stand it. Why do folks go crazy
over some Damn Chicken ‘n Waffles???

White peeps you can’t go wrong by asking your Black friends
to hit up Roscoe’s for a bite to eat.
Now I’m talking about your everyday Black people not your
Black Republican friends (as it would offend them).

Things White People Like

Black Music that Black Folks Don’t Listen To Anymore

 
Pictured is a DeLaSoul concert and I couldn’t help noticing the absence
of Black faces.

 Here’s what one White guy had to say on the topic:

“All music genres go through a very similar life cycle: birth, growth, mainstream acceptance, decline, and finally obscurity.  With black music, however, the final stage is never reached because white people are work tirelessly to keep it alive.  Apparently, once a music has lost its relevance with its intended audience, it becomes MORE relevant to white people. “

 

 

Things Black People and Southern White People Like

I don’t like this stuff either and have never used it on my food.
That makes me think…Am I really Black then?
Does it really come in spray bottles & gallons?
Although Southern White People will get fancy and get
that fire Jalepeno green sauce its still hot sauce.

I’ve seen Black folks put hot sauce on everything from
greens , popcorn, potato chips and even salad.
Some people even carry a small bottle with them!

I’ve seen a bottle of hot sauce that sold
for $300 that promises to literally melt
the taste buds off of your tongue and possibly kill you.

I must admit I’ve used the sauce below many times
but not on food. Usually after a night
(involving some patron shots in a club with some honeys)
some sauce will appear sometime between
the after-party and the hotel lobby with the
same couple of chicks from the club.

 

 

 

Things White People Like

Hummus:

I still don’t know What The Fuck Hummus or CousCous
really are and I’ve seen them both made!

When it comes to food, all white people are either allergic to/or
have stopped eating everything you consider delicious.
It’s a good idea to come to grips with the concept,
because it will save you a lot of headaches.

All white people like hummus.  In fact, if you find a white
person who does not like hummus then they probably just
haven’t tasted it or they are the wrong kind of white person.
In either case, they are probably not someone that you want to know.

Putting out a plate of hummus and pita makes white people
very comfortable.  It reminds them of home since at any
given time a white person has hummus in their fridge.
Even the most barren white refrigerator will have a
package of the stuff next to an empty Brita filter.

 White people are also relieved when they see hummus
because they recognize the contents immediately.

Me: “Let’s get Chinese food”
White Person #1: “Um, yeah, last time I was there I tried to ask the waitress if they used any pork stock in the preparation of the vegetables and she didn’t really give me a response that makes me comfortable eating there again.”

By providing your guests with a plate of hummus, you can guarantee that
you won’t have to have this infuriating conversation in your own home.
But that doesn’t mean you are safe.  To cover all your bases, it is always a
good idea keep some Gluten free crackers in your pantry.

 

Submit some comments, let me know if I’m making sense.

 

Posted in PeopleHumor | 3 Comments »